In our coaching call today, Damian gave me strict orders to have fun. To stop working. To take a holiday.
In the spring of 2010, I had a life-changing epiphany. I went from struggling, overwhelmed, and stressed out to joyous, free, and enthusiastic practically overnight. I was so high on life, I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling. It was like I was eating this really, super-delicious, yummy amazing cake, and I wanted everyone to try it.
But the minute I started trying to get other people to eat it, the minute I tried to sell my coaching services, it became a struggle--a mental challenge, a puzzle. It seemed that no matter what I did, I could NOT get anyone interested enough to actually pay me to help them! And it wasn't the first time this had happened. For seven years before that I had been trying to build a business (several, actually), always jumping and putting my all into a project, only to experience failure and rejection over and over. Now it was 10 years total. Now I was talking to Damian.
Damian referred to my behavior as a tiger pouncing on some meat. Project after project, idea after idea--going full bore at the expense of my home, my family, my sleep, and my sanity. "Why do you do it?" he said.
He told me to take some time off. Stop working. Stop thinking. And ponder this question: "What feeling is this tiger pouncing behavior allowing me to avoid?"
Oh, and he also asked me to keep a record of my holiday. As if it were a real vacation. What follows is the record of my first day (he asked me to take pictures and video, but that didn't happen--sorry), as well as my insights along the way as I pondered the question.
12:00 As soon as I got off the phone with Damian, I started paying bills and balancing my accounts. This is something I love doing. I learned awhile back (not long after the 2010 epiphany, actually), that money is like a pet. It needs to be nurtured, interacted with, and paid attention to. When you treat it well, it rewards you by growing. When you ignore it, however, like so many people do, it shrinks and bites you when you return, almost as if it has become resentful that you were gone for so long.
12:30 Next, I went upstairs and made lunch for my son. I cleaned up the kitchen and wiped the countertops and smiled. For so many years, I wanted a home and a family of my own. I think it is because I was without them so long that I appreciate them so much--so much more than if I had gotten them right away.
Thought: Damian said that people pay attention when there is a story. Could I write a story--real or fictional--for each of the lessons in the time management course that I am writing? Ack! Work! Tiger! It's amazing how just by being aware, the thought melts away...
Then I went upstairs. My husband's laundry is all over the bed, so I fold it and put it away. I am so grateful for a husband! So many years I dreamed of him. So long I waited for him. And now he's here, and I get to live my dream.
Next, I made the bed. There is something so satisfying to me about having things neat and tidy. Always bringing more MA into the spaces of my life.
Thought: What would happen if I stopped the tiger pouncing? Would I feel selfish? Like I'm not contributing to society? Contribution has always been something important to me. I remember when I was in college. I was so anxious to graduate and become a contributing member of society. As a student, I felt like I was just taking, when I wanted to be giving.
1:00 I get in the shower. I take my time, enjoying the calm feeling. Pensive.
Thought: I don't think I want to get rid of the tiger. It has proved useful in my life. Maybe just tame it?
Thought: Fear. That's a part of it. I know that to attract a wild animal, like a bird, or a fox, you must be very still and let it come to you--you cannot chase after it. I want people to come to me, but there is a part of me that is afraid that won't really happen if I am still.
Thought: Is it just a strong desire for more than my husband can provide? "If it's to be, it's up to me." Guilt that I just take money from him and don't contribute (in that way)?
1:30 Power nap. Too much thinking!
Thought: Do I feel guilty if I'm not helping others (contributing to society)? Do I feel an obligation to help others ("to whom much is given, much is expected")? My mind wanders back to an earlier question: What would happen if I stopped? How would I feel?
Yes, that's it...I would feel GUILTY!! I start to cry when I contemplate this, and I remember Damian saying that tears show us that we are emotionally connected to what we are saying. He had asked me, "What feeling is this tiger pouncing behavior allowing me to avoid?" Well, if I kept to myself everything I have learned, I would be overcome with guilt. That's what I am avoiding. No quesion. And the reason I keep trying--why I have kept going year after year after year, despite so much failure--is that the simple act of trying relieves me of that guilt. I do not have to succeed. I just have to try.
Thought: Am I really obligated to help others? No, they must help themselves. I need to give them the space to make their own discoveries.
Thought: By trying to help someone who doesn't want to or isn't ready to be helped, am I shoving it down their throats?
Thought: I do feel an obligation to save the world--to fix everything--my mom, my kids. Why?
2:00 I eat lunch. Even though I am eating cooked food, I am feeling good about my choices. I am being mindful, not frantic.
2:30 John and I go grocery shopping. I am so grateful for plenty of money to buy whatever I need and want. I am grateful to live in a place and time of great abundance.
Thought: "When the student is ready, the master appears." I have always thought about this from the point of view of the student. Today I am prompted to think about it from the point of view of the master. The master should only teach students who are ready.
A woman stops me in the aisle and asks me what pimentos are. I tell her and help her locate a jar for her recipe.
Thought: I was able to help without doing anything other than being there. She sought me out. Just like I requested earlier today.
4:00 I make dinner. I love preparing beautiful, delicious, healthy food for my family!
4:45 Take John to track, drop him off, head to health food store to recycle a battery and pick up a healthy drink. Return to the field to watch the rest of practice.
Thought: I am plagued by this question: IS IT TRUE? If it IS true, what then? And if it's not true, what then? It is undeniable that I feel an obligation to teach others and change the world. But is that obligation real? Or is it just another "should" in the sea of shoulds that I must reject or drown in? 3P would likely tell me no, there is no obligation. That the feeling of obligation is only a construct of my thinking. But I am still a religious person, and I do believe that there is order and reason in the universe and a specific purpose to our time here on earth. I turn to the scriptures. I read verse after verse on the topic. It is clear that yes, I have an obligation to share what I've learned. Absolutely.
My mind goes back to a Sunday School teacher I once had. She had been a business woman, retired, gone back to school, and started a second career teaching History to special ed students. She was telling us the difference between a regular teacher and a special ed teacher. "For a regular teacher," she said, "their job is to teach. As a special ed teacher, my job is to make sure my students learn." Huge difference.
I contemplated that idea. Yes, I have an obligation to teach, but do I have an obligation to make sure that my students LEARN?
No.
Absolutely not.
That was it. THAT was what I had been doing all these years! I had been obsessed with making sure my students LEARN!!! Course after course I had written, always trying to get it inside their heads. Always looking at everyone and trying to figure out how I could cram it down their throats. I even told Damian in our very first consultation that I want to "shake people!" I wrote a blog post recently and said how I wanted to "slap someone in the face!" It's no wonder I wasn't very attractive--who wants to work with someone who is always so pushy??????????
The master should only be teaching students who are ready.
After dinner and family time, I head off to bed. Soon, Dan comes home and I tell him all about the experiences and insights of the day. He reminds me that when I worked for SoftMed, it WAS my job to make sure my students learned. Perhaps I just carried that idea over?
He may be right. I went from having a "school" of a couple hundred employees to thinking of the world as my school--7 billion students. That's a lot! No wonder I was feeling a little pressure.
I went to bed feeling 50 pounds lighter. So relieved. Huge smile on my face.
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